Are people who make self-portraits inevitably self-absorbed?

2 Things. First, I was able to hack my own blogspot template so I could put partial posts with a "Read More" for the rest of it. Sadly, since I had to hack the template itself, it says "read more" even when there is no more to read. I have no idea how to fix this. Secondly, I have been trying again and again in Photobooth to get a picture of myself that I don't hate. I think I'm giving up, but I did find that I can take so-so pictures of myself, cut them out in Photoshop, mess with the filter gallery, and at least get something "me", even if they still aren't stunning. Here's what I made today and yesterday...

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Need art.

I really want to do art. I'm struggling with notions that I have nothing original to contribute, as I suppose many thinking people do - what hasn't been done or thought of before, and what can I bring to it that nobody else can? I see people who've thought of great arty things and wonder where it came from, what were they thinking about that made that odd combination of images and words and light and dark and color and shadow? From whence does real inspiration come, and am I ever inspired, or do I just flounder in mediocrity? Does it even matter if I'm a mediocre flounderer (hmmm..should that be a t-shirt? or a painting?), as long as I try? There are so many bad artists and writers out there doing their thing and even making money for it - why should I be bothered that I produce only slightly original, less than immaculate, barely talented pieces? Isn't it better to be producing those than sitting around not making anything because I'm wistfully wishing I could make something more original, more surprising, more intense? The problem is this: I see art and poetry all day long that makes me say, "Eh." Perhaps the intonation could be understood better with "Asi-asi". It's nice that it's there, but every once in awhile, something comes along that I see or read and I can't breathe for a minute. Usually it's words, but it's happened with art as well. I can't breathe when I read T.S. Eliot's Prufrock, or e.e. cummings In Just-. I can't breathe when I read Ray Bradbury's Dandelion Wine or sink deep into Picasso's The Old Guitarist. Can my work ever be fabulous enough that it takes the breath away? And if it is, will I know? It seems pretty conceited that one would be able to take one's own breath away, but how will I know if it's the kind of work that would leave the kind of person I am breathless? I mean, if I took Hulk Hogan's breath away with my poem, I don't think it would be nearly as spectacular as if I stunned, oh, Pablo Neruda, or Ginsberg or someone. Will I really keep getting better if I keep trying, or will I just get slightly less mediocre? I have lived a nearly 17-year college career with a large A- stamped on my forehead. Every thing I write comes back with a big ol' A.....but.... on it. I love the need for improvement, and enjoy trying to do better, but if I make it better and better and better, will it still be an A minus? Will the minus be tattooed on everything I do for the rest of my career, and am I okay with that? Can one leave people breathless with a whole slew of "minus" work? Not that I really worry about the actual grade that much, but it's sort of how I see my writing and my art and well, pretty much everything else I do. It's better than average, even good. But it won't stand out to anyone, it won't be noticed, or made famous, or inspire anybody. It will just sit there, and the occasional person might saunter by it and say, "Isn't that...nice" and it will be gone from their minds immediately.

I don't want to turn the world upside down. I don't want to write the great American novel, or sell works of art for millions of dollars. I want to feel that what I create is worth creating, and that I'm not the only person who thinks so.

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